Loneliness never felt to me like something experienced at certain moments of aloneness or crowdedness, no matter, it is fundamentally something much more profound, basic and even inescapable. It is an integral part of human nature, a sensation enveloping our whole life experience, like a spider web spreading out of our hearts through our whole soul. Maybe that is why it is so hard to accept it, yet that is also why it is so rich and necessary.
We may look at it as a cloud, fogging our emotions and blocking our views, still I feel it clarifies and cleanses our senses often enough. It takes away the glitz and bares open the grounding, the anatomy of things. It sharpens our understanding if we listen to it beyond the sadness it may provoke. To limit it to the negative feeling in your chest, eating you alive, is to not really know it.
To sit with it during dim coffee meetings, songs and TV shows beneath your understanding, moments when everyone is paired up or grouped except you, solitary walks and readings, to feel it even in a hug of a close friend or a kiss of a lover, is to know lonely is fundamentally who you are.
To go from there into the world, from a deep recognition of your being, acknowledgment of a mood you cannot change, is to learn love and empathy, to know others feel the same why and not expect them to fulfill a role which is not theirs to play. To meet them at the crossing, the cusp of your lives’ curves. I sometimes feel it is only from there we can create true connections.
However, it is the fear that stops us so often. To feel as profoundly lonely … is terrifying. Can we see the beauty of ourselves being the only bearers of our story’s weight? To then try to tell it more lightly, from the responsibility we took on ourselves and not the constant frantic and senseless demand.
It is not on other people to smash the ice, it is on us to crack it, to see through what, I think, is just the first layer of loneliness’ ocean.